TODAY'S NUGGET: The Man Who Would Be King (1975) - One Element in World Building To Deliver "Adventure in All Its Glory!"

[Quick Summary: In 1880s India, two Englishmen decide to become kings in Kafiristan, a place where no white man had been since Alexander the Great.]

Recently, I read Kipling's famous short story, The Man Who Would Be King (1888),  and marveled at how it takes you so effortlessly on a grand adventure. 

Would the script deliver the promise from the film's posters ("Adventure in all its glory!")?  It did.

I was surprised at:
1) how faithful this script is to the short story 
2) the fact that the script's ending is more hopeful than the short story.
3) the fact that what sells a great adventure film is how it brings the audience into an untraveled world.  (After all, international travel was uncommon at the time.)

An example of the last point can be found in the scene below: 
- Kipling, the author, put himself into the story as a young newspaper publisher.
- Carnehan (Michael Caine) is one of the English con men.
- I really liked how the writers took the time to set the scene with vivid details, both familiar (our protagonist buying a ticket) and unfamiliar (swarming travelers). 
- I also really liked how they didn't rush the timing of the reveal. Carnehan doesn't look at his loot until he's certain Kipling isn't looking for it. 

 

INT. LAHORE RAILWAY STATION - FULL SHOT - DAY

A swarm of travellers: Sedate Brahmins, shrill Vishnamites, Shivites with caste marks on their palms, Sikhs with daggers in their hair. Crouching Moslem women, in purdah, are like a cluster of little tents.

Two Laden Orderlies shout to clear a passage for a brace of young English Subalterns in the brilliant turbans, sashes and coats of a Horse Regiment. An English family, women and children, wait beside an enormous bastion of trunks and hatboxes. CAMERA PANS to the MOVING CUE before a ticket window, MOVES to:

CLOSE SHOT - KIPLING

KIPLING (to Clerk): Jodhpore... 

As he unbuttons his coat and reaches into a trouser pocket, a HAND comes into SCENE and deftly removes a watch and chain from his waistcoat. Kipling pays for his ticket, picks up his telescope traveling case and turns away from the window. His place is taken by the thief, a sharp-faced man in soiled whites: Carenhan. He pushes a small coin forward onto the counter.

CARNEHAN: Platform ticket.

The roar of a train entering the station SOUNDS over scene as he, in turn, leaves the window. He watches Kipling climb the ramp to the station platform and continue out of sight - then takes the stolen watch out of his pocket and examines it. He frowns and starts slightly.

 INSERT - WATCH-CHAIN AND EMBLEM

The Enblem resting int he palm of his hand: it is the insignia of a Grand Master Freemason - the rayed, all-seeing Eye of God above a pendant square, within the spread arms of a compass.

CARNEHAN'S VOICE (O.S.): Blast!

MEDIUM SHOT - CARNEHAN

Pocketing the watch, he begins to push his way through the crowd toward the ramp. 

WHAT I'VE LEARNED: When building an unfamiliar world, it's helpful to include things that ARE familiar in order to give the audience some context.

The Man Who Would Be King (1975)(11/15/74 draft)
by John Huston and Gladys Hill
Adapted from a short story by Rudyard Kipling/

TODAY'S NUGGET: Empire of the Sun (1987) - The Art of Planting Symbols with Misdirection (Setup)

[Quick Summary: A 11 y.o. English school boy struggles to survive in China during the Japanese occupation of WWII.]

I didn't read this because it was directed by Steven Spielberg, starred Christian Bale, or that it was based on author J.G. Ballard's life.

I was interested because it was written by playwright Tom Stoppard, who knows how to structure for the most dramatic effect.*

For example, the scene below does not seem to be hiding anything:
- Jim's parents are taking him to a party in nearby Chinese countryside.
- There are several English speaking Brits and Americans in the community.
- Mr. Maxted is a fellow party attendee.
- After Jim wanders off after his toy plane, the audience thinks it knows what this scene is about: a fearful encounter with a Japanese sergeant. 
- The audience doesn't really notice the toy plane, which will become an important symbol later for Jim.
- This scene a setup for a much deeper payoff near the end of the film. 
- The misdirection of the scene is that there is more than one meaning, but we'll only know it later, when we recall this scene.
- It's real artistry to know the dramatic effect this will have on the audience later, i.e., the recall to this scene is much more emotionally satisfying rather than spelling it out explicitly.

EXT. ABANDONED AIRFIELD - DAY

...JIM'S POV - THE MODEL PLANE 

sails quite a ways and lands on top of a ruined blockhouse. Jim runs after it and starts climbing up the slope. From his vantage point, Jim sees a FULLY-ARMED JAPANESES SOLDIER looking up at him from a trench only a few yards away. Then he sees that there are MORE SOLDIERS sitting along the whole length of the trench...and that there is a second trench also full of JAPANESE SOLDIERS, sitting and smoking and glancing up at Jim. He has come across a company of Japanese infantry concealed on the old battlefield. As Jim watches, a JAPANESE SERGEANT gets to his feet casually picking up his rifle and stamping out a cigarette. The sergeant climbs out of the trench and, ignoring Jim, moves to start cutting off Jim's retreat. Sighing quietly to himself, the sergeant starts to climb up the slop toward Jim. Jim is now frightened. Jim's father's voice is HEARD calling from the distance. 

JIM' FATHER (os): Jamie!

The sergeant stops climbing and looks thoughtful.

We SEE Jim's father, still dressed as a pirate, anxiously searching the field and calling Jim's name. From where he is, Jim's father can see the Japanese sergeant and more Japanese  infantry half-concealed in the grass. Then he sees Jim approach in the distance. Jim's father makes to start running. He is immediately stopped by Maxted's level voice.  

ANOTHER ANGLE

We see Maxted has also moved into the airfield.

MAXTED: Stand still, John.

Jim's father holds his breath while Jim approaches, skirting another trench, watched by Japanese soldiers.

JIM'S FATHER (frightened): Hello, Jamie. Don't run.

Jim reaches his father and they turn and walk back hand-in-hand toward the house, Maxted also waiting for them on their way. 

WHAT I'VE LEARNED: Another way to conceal information from the audience is to put it in the scene, but add a more imminent threat as the misdirection.

Empire of the Sun (1987)(undated draft)
by Tom Stoppard
Based on the novel by J.G. Ballard

*As a side note, I felt less alone when I read this quote from Stoppard that he also lacked understanding of his own processes: 

“If there’s anything God-given about writing, with me it’s the gift of dialogue,” says Tom Stoppard. “Not to be falsely self-deprecating about this in a nice English way: I know I write nice dialogue. But I don’t know how I write nice dialogue.” 

TODAY'S NUGGET: Master and Commander: Far Side of the World (2003) - Classy Exposition About Motive & Stakes in Dialogue

[Quick Summary: During the Napoleonic wars, a brash British captain pursues a French pirating war vessel around South America.]

Capt. Jack Aubrey's mood is heavy. He's been unable to capture the enemy ship, and has just lost one of his best men overboard in the pursuit.

Why not give up? Why continue?

Motives and stakes are often explained in exposition, but I thought this scene below did it in a classy way that doesn't feel forced:

[Note: Dr. Stephen is his best friend on the ship.]

THE GREAT CABIN - NIGHT

STEPHEN: Don't you feel chasing this heavier, faster ship, with its long guns, smack of pride 'which goeth before destruction'?

JACK: It's not pride nor anything like it, it's a question of duty.

STEPHEN: 'Duty', aah...I believe I've heard it well spoken of.

JACK: You can be as 'satiric' as you like, but I have a duty to the officers and foremast jacks who've brought the barkey thus far - how do you think they'd feel if I turned around and went home?

STEPHEN: They would obey you.

JACK: I'll not go home having failed. There have been too many failures. I'll not be one of them.

STEPHEN: Then it is pride.

JACK: Do you know what occupies me night and day? How to take him when I catch up with him. I nearly lost my ship once. There won't be a second chance. If that's pride, so be it. To me it's simply my job. 

WHAT I'VE LEARNED: I liked how this dialogue communicated something more that the words spoken, like his angst, and also the urgency of the mission.

Master and Commander: Far Side of the World (August, 2001 draft, revised)
by Peter Weir & John Collee
Based on the Aubrey/Maturin novels by Patrick O'Brian

TODAY'S NUGGET: To Live & Die in LA (1985) - A Good Example of "It's All About the Relationship" as Motive

[Quick Summary: A Secret Service agent pulls out all the stops to chase the counterfeiter who killed his partner.] 

I still hate the pat answer, "It's all about the relationship between the characters," because whatever does that mean?

Today's script partially answered that question for me.  It's a great example of how a relationship can motivate a loner (here, the protagonist).

In the scene below:
- Chance is the protagonist.
- He and Hart are Secret Service partners. Hart retires in 3 days.
- Because there's so much betrayal in his work, Chance trusts very few people, and is very loyal to them, especially Hart.
- This scene shows that rare moment where Chance feels safe. It explains so much of why he'd chase Hart's killer to the ends of the earth.
- Also notice the end of the scene when Chance feels the threat to his prized friendship.  There's a subtle change in tone and mood, i.e., character motivated.

EXT. PARKING LOT - UTRO'S - LATE DAY

Chance and Hart walking toward their cars.

CHANCE: Got something for you.

He opens the lid of his trunk and removes a graphite fishing rod folded into a 15-inch leather carrying case. 

CHANCE (continuing): Your retirement present.

HART: You're a week early.

CHANCE: It's burning a hole in my trunk.

Hart opens the case and brings the rod to full seven-foot extension.

HART: What the hell --

CHANCE: They tell me the trout jump all over it.

Hart puts his arm around Chance. They embrace warmly.

CHANCE: I'm gonna miss you, Amigo.

HART: Me, too.

CHANCE: Listen, I know you got somethin' goin' tomorrow.

HART (smiling): You readin' my mail again?

CHANCE: Master. (pause) Where?

Hart shakes his head 'No".

CHANCE (continuing): You're not goin' out alone.

HART: I got three more days on the job and I want to make the most of 'em. No sense the two of us running down the same lead.

CHANCE: We're partners.

HART: Damn straight we are. And when the bust goes down it's ours. Like always.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED: This script helped me see better that what Chance wanted most was that connection, and how resulted in his behavior (also known as "character motivated action"). 

To Live & Die in LA (1985)(11/8/84 draft)
by William Friedkin and Gerald Petievich

TODAY'S NUGGET: Wait Until Dark (1967) - Four Excellent Elements of a Thriller + Good "NOTEs"

[Quick Summary: After her husband misplaces a drug-stuffed doll that he accepted from a fellow passenger, three cons attempt to get his blind wife to disclose where the doll is hidden.]

TWO THOUGHTS: 

1) FOUR EXCELLENT ELEMENTS OF THIS THRILLER ADAPTATION:

 - The TONE is fun. 
- The ATMOSPHERE is suspenseful, ex. we're worried about the 3 cons finding the neighbor kid who's helping the protagonist.
- The STRONG THROUGH LINE is easy to explain, i.e.,  a blind woman confronts three cons.
- The MOOD is uplifting, then turns dark, which is great for visual drama.

2) THE WRITERS INCLUDED HELPFUL "NOTEs".

A "NOTE:" to the reader is generally an aside or a helpful tip. They're generally frowned upon because they're distract from the narrative and/or are poorly written.

So when is a "NOTE" helpful? 

One good use is in the explanation of overall conventions in the script. This saves on the need to repeat explanations and avoid confusion. 

In this script, for example, the writers used "NOTEs" to explain: 

a) How phone conversations would be filmed. 

NOTE: The telephone convention used here is as follows: When someone is speaking on the phone in CLOSEUP, with the receiver big in SHOT, we can hear what he hears (i.e., the other voice ON FILTER); when anyone is speaking on the phone in the b.g. of a LONG SHOT, we can only hear what someone else as distant as the CAMERA could hear (i.e., a one-sided conversation). This convention is observed throughout the film. 

b) How the three cons would have multiple roles. They're pretending to be several people, in order to confuse the blind protagonist.

[NOTE: Mike and Carlino have played these parts, or parts very like them, before and they are superb at it. In fact, the one thing that holds all three men together - Rost, Carlino and Mike - is that all of them, to their own degree and in their own way, are most at their ease when playing  a part. In Rost's case, the characters he selects are much more dangerous, much harder to pull off. But Mike and Carlino (within the area they select) are perfect. And there is never one moment when any of the three fall out of character. All three derive some personal pleasure from their performances.)

WHAT I'VE LEARNED: My favorite element was the clarity of the through line. 

Also, one good purpose for a "NOTE" is to avoid confusion for the reader (vs. a bad purpose, such as for the writer to micro-manage the production).

Wait Until Dark (1967)(11/25/66 draft)
by  Robert and Jane-Howard Carrington
From the play by Frederick Knott

TODAY'S NUGGET: The Limey (1999) - Do You Know How (& More Importantly, WHEN) to Use the "Flash Cut"?

[Quick Summary: An unpredictable English ex-con comes to L.A. to kill the man whom the con thinks killed his daughter.]

I like to see how other writers use literary devices because knowing about a tool isn't the same as knowing how (and more importantly, when) to use it.  

For example, in today's script, writer Lem Dobbs uses the "flash cut" as a device to peer into a character's present thinking (i.e., subjective mental state).*

A good example is the scene below:
- Wilson is a criminal who has an estranged daughter Jenny.
- Jenny left the UK and moved to California and died.
- Jenny's boyfriend at the time was Valentine.
- Wilson thinks Valentine killed Jenny but doesn't know why yet.
- Valentine is now living with Adhara. This scene occurs at their home when a party is about to begin. 
- All these flash cuts are from Wilson's POV. Nothing has happened yet. 
- Note how it gives the audience a SUBJECTIVE feel what Wilson is thinking.

INT. HOUSE

Valentine turns to greet Adhara who's come downstairs looking great.

ADHARA: Gee, for someone who doesn't like buffets...

VALENTINE: Do you see me eating? 

FLASH CUT:

WILSON, walking toward Valentine. Something in his face says violence is imminent.

VALENTINE glad handing more guests.   

WILSON

watching.

FLASH CUT:

WILSON. Again, walking toward Valentine. This time his hand reaches into his jacket. For the gun.

WILSON

hands Ed his drink.  

ED: Where you going?

Wilson says nothing. Starts to move inside the house.

ED: You're not gonna do nothin' in front of all these people...

FLASH CUT:

WILSON. Getting closer to Valentine.

VALENTINE. Oblivious.

WILSON. Closer. The hand is coming out. With the gun.

WILSON

Part of the way across the living room. Wearing the same expression we saw int he first flas cut: violence.

VALENTINE

chatting away.

WILSON

closer.  

FLASH CUT:

WILSON. Just a couple of feet away. Gun out.

VALENTINE. Sensing trouble. Turning toward Wilson...

WILSON

still moving through the crowd, getting closer. Hand reaching into his jacket.

VALENTINE

smiling, talking.  

FLASH CUT: 

WILSON. Five feet away. Gun extended now. 

VALENTINE. Facing the barrel. About to die.

WILSON. Closer still. The crowd seems to be getting thicker. Hand still in his jacket. 

VALENTINE. Still doesn't know what's coming.

 WHAT I'VE LEARNED: The writer used the "flash cut" judiciously.  Its purpose is psychological, to create a mood, and not simply to dump information.  

The Limey (1999)(9/17/98 draft w/revisions)
by Lem Dobbs 

* This is an unusual purpose than other flashes of time:

- the "flash back" which takes the audience back into the character's subjective memory, or
- the "flash forward" which  is most often used to show objectively what will happen in the future.

TODAY'S NUGGET: Tango & Cash (1989) - One Key to Make an Action Film Memorable

[Quick Summary: Two headstrong cops have to work together to figure out which drug lord has framed them for murder.] 

Q: I'm writing an awesome action script, with three awesome set pieces. Why do I keep getting the note "flat characters"? Who cares?
A: Audiences may like set pieces, but they'll really come back for the characters.  

Q: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that thing called "three dimensional characters." What is that? 
A: I think it's showing glimpses of what's inside the character, how he thinks or reacts, that makes people interesting to watch. 

Q:  In the middle of the action?! Won't that slow down the action?!
A:  Yes, but it's your job to make those character beats so interesting (and deeper) that the audience won't mind a breather outside the action.

For example, in the scene below from today's script: 
- Tango is the cool cop. Cash is fairly messy. It's not a smooth partnership yet.
- Cash has just met Kiki rehearsing at a club. They go to her apartment.
- Cash doesn't know Kiki is his new partner Tango's sister. 
- This scene gives us a glimpse of Cash's personal life, but it also shows us that's he's also quite persuasive and an improviser away from the job.
- I liked how this character beat was amusing and different from the cop stuff, but still had the same tone of "man on a mission."
- My thoughts are in [ ] below. 

INT. KITCHEN

Cash pulls open cabinets...Stuff like yeast fiber and alfalfa germ. He grabs one promising looking bag and rips it open. Puts a handful in his mouth. He grimaces. It's like eating seasoned cardboard. Opens up the refrigerator and tosses the bag in, pulls out some eggs, a jar full of unidentifiable sauce and a bunch of vegetables.

CASH (calling out to Kiki): I'll make us a Spanish omelet.

He dumps the ingredients on the stove and rifles through another cabinet...An ear-shattering RACKET of POTS and PANS. He comes out with a frying pan. Throws it on the stove and hits the flame.

CASH: Butter...butter...butter...

He goes to the refrigerator and pulls out a whole stick of butter and tosses it in the pan. it immediately SIZZLES and starts to smoke. He breaks the eggs on the side of the pan, about half a dozen of them, and throws the shells in the sink. He dumps in the sauce, crushes up the vegetables and tosses them in as well.

Then he stirs the mixture vigorously with a carrot.

Kiki enters. She's wearing a Japanese robe. Her hair up on her head. She looks more gorgeous every time we see her.

Something CRUNCHES beneath her feet.

KIKI: Why is there turkey stuffing all over the floor?

CASH: Oh, is that what that was. I always make mine fresh. [He thinks quickly on his feet here, which is in line with the cop action scenes.]

She takes a peek into the pan.

KIKI: I thought you were making a Spanish omelet. Why did you put spaghetti sauce in it?

CASH: That's the problem with most people. They get hung up in the technical aspects of cooking. I'm very creative in the kitchen. See, I use a carrot for a spoon. Cuts down on cleanup.

He takes a bit out of the carrot and stirs some more.

CASH: Very organic. 

WHAT I'VE LEARNED: Spend time on character beats like the scene above. It's not that important to the action plot, but it deepens our interest in the characters.

This scene not only shows us how Cash thinks and acts in his down time ("more 3-D"), but also spikes the dynamic (suspense) between Cash and Tango through character.  I couldn't wait until Tango found out about his sister and Cash! 

Tango & Cash (1989)(5/30/89 draft)
by Randy Feldman

TODAY'S NUGGET: Running Scared (1986) - Cops Outwitting Other Cops (Ingenuity)

[Quick Summary: In their last 30 days before they retire to Key West, a buddy cop duo try to track down a criminal who's eluded them.]

Cops outwitting other cops is not a new idea.

However, HOW it's done can set the writer apart, especially when it's done with great ingenuity and cleverness.  

For example, in the scene below from today's script:
- Ray and Danny are goofball partners 
- They're good cops, but don't always play by the rules. 
- They say they're ready to retire, but they still have a streak of justice in them that makes them want to pursue a criminal from their past. 
- I liked how they know the police rules yet find creative ways around them. 

POLICE EVIDENCE ROOM - DAY

A police CLERK stands behind a wire cage that protects dozens of shelves and file cabinets of police evidence. Ray passes a sheaf of papers through the window.

CLERK: What the hell is this?

RAY: I dunno. Taking a load of coke to the chemist.

CLERK: All of it? Ten kilos of coke? That's a little unusual.

RAY: The damn lawyer is screaming his client was set up. You know the scam.

CLERK: I'd better check on this.

Ray wants to avoid that. 

RAY: It's all in order. Everything's there in black and white.

CLERK: In this job you gotta cover your ass.

He picks up the phone and dials. Ray turns on the charm. 

RAY: That's the point. You could possibly get my ass in trouble here... [Ray sets up the clerk's expectations here.]

The clerk doesn't mind that at all. He grins. 

CLERK (into the phone): Captain Logan? I got Hughes here, with a request to check out all ten kilos of coke from the missionary bust.

INT. CAPTAIN LOGAN'S OFFICE - DAY

Danny is on the phone. Impersonating Captain Logan, he bellows.

DANNY: One guy? You can't hand twenty million dollars worth of evidence to one guy. Where's his asshole partner. [Misdirect away from the amount of coke to the fact that the officers have not followed protocol.]

INT. EVIDENCE ROOM - DAY

The clerk listens on the telephone.

CLERK: Yes sir... No way... Right sir.

He hangs up with a flourish and gloats at Ray.

CLERK: He says not to give you anything. Not until your partner shows. 

INT. STAIRWELL - DAY

Danny runs down the stairs.

INT. POLICE EVIDENCE ROOM - DAY

Danny bursts through the door, out of breath.

DANNY: Hey, I just got my ass chewed by Logan. What gives? 

The clerk is satisfied that he has demonstrated his power. [This also satisfies the clerk's suspicions that this transaction is unusual and someone should get in trouble.] 

CLERK: Now you can check out the evidence. Sign these papers. 

He goes back to the shelves. Danny and Ray share a grim smile. 

WHAT I'VE LEARNED: So much of what I really liked here is based on character, i.e., the clerk's own weakness for power is used against him. 

Running Scared (1986)(6/28/85, 2nd draft, revised) 
by  Jimmy Huston

TODAY'S NUGGET: Police Academy (1984) - Comedies Are Built on ______ Which is Built By ________

[Quick Summary: A fresh group of academy cadets try to survive basic training.]

Q: I get tired of hearing "you should want to hang out with these characters," and "it's all about the relationships."
A: It's true, nevertheless, especially in comedies.

Q: Why? 
A: Because if you want to hang out, then you'll watch the film.  

Q: But what does it look like, on the page?
A: One thing that makes us feel like we belong is building comradery, a common language, and trust. 

This happens through being thrown into a common experience (ex. school, war, police academy) and  learning to handle one another (ex. playing pranks and jokes on each other).

For example, today's script has a good example, even though it's a first draft:
- Mahoney is a parking lot attendant who defies authority.
- Leslie Barbara is "every bully's dream. He's the kind of wimp who gets sand kicked in his face even when he's not at the beach."
- What is the purpose of this scene where Mahoney plays a joke on Barbara? To see how such different characters start to get to know each other and get along. 

INT. DORM BATHROOM - DAWN

Fackler flushes the urinal and exits. Mahoney enters and crosses to the sink.  He slaps some cold water on his face. He turns to find Barbara standing there staring at him intensely.

MAHONEY: What is it?

BARBARA: I got to take a grumpy.

MAHONEY: A what?

BARBARA: A grumpy.

MAHONEY: You got to grumpy? What's a grumpy?

BARBARA (embarrassed): You know, a grumpy.

MAHONEY (realizing): Oh, a grumpy.

BARBARA: And I can't grumpy with anyone else in the room.

MAHONEY: Who can? I'm going now, so you can grumpy to your heart's delight.

He exits. Barbara checks the other stalls to be certain he is alone. Satisfied, he steps into a stall and sits. Mahoney comes tip-toeing back into the room. Quietly he opens the stall next to Barbara. He closes the door and sits. CAMERA PUSHES IN ON their feet beneath the stall doors.

MAHONEY (O.S.)(piously, as if in a confessional): Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. 

BARBARA (O.S.): Mahoney!

WHAT I'VE LEARNED: Comedies are built on comradery, which is built by common experiences. Don't shy away from finding unusual ways to throw characters together.

Police Academy (1984)(8/1/82 1st draft)
by Neal Israel & Pat Proft 

TODAY'S NUGGET: Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult (1988) - One Trick When Topping a Gag With Another Gag

[Quick Summary: Lt. Frank Drebin comes out of retirement to go undercover to stop a terrorist bomber who is targeting the Academy Awards ceremony.]

Trying to top a gag with more gags is tricky.  

This script has a good example, and relies on exaggerating the next gag in line:
- Frank, Nordberg, and the Captain are hiding in plain sight.
- They are waiting for goons to appear.
- Three women are trying to drag four carriages up or down the stairs. The cops help them, reluctantly.
- The goons arrive. The cops let go of the carriages to fire at goons. 
- Then the writers mock this whole stair situation by the worst possible things into this tense moment, ex. politicians, etc.
- It's also quite funny to even mock the seriousness of this situation by distracting Frank and have him pick up a shiny object during the gun battle.

INT. TRAIN STATION - DAY

ANGLE - NORDBERG

starts FIRING, realizes he's let go of both his baby carriages. He runs out of FRAME chasing them. Right behind Nordberg, a runaway lawnmower careens through FRAME, followed by a Japanese GARDENER who throws up his hands and mouths the words, "My lawnmower!" [This parodies the "preciousness" of the carriages.]

ANGLE - FRANK

Guns blazing, diving, FIRES at the Goons.

ANGEL - GOONS

 One is hit, rolls down the stairs. The Other is hit -- he rolls up the stairs. [This gag tops the previous one because it's so random and we know people can't roll UP the stairs.]

ANGLE - FRANK

His eyes spot something on the ground. A surprised look crosses his face. Still FIRING, he bends down and picks the object up -- it's a bright, shiny quarter. What luck! Happily, Frank pockets the coin, his gun still blazing away. [Another nonsequitur that works because it's such a ridiculous tangent.]

ANGLE - ED

still struggling to free his gun from his sock. He sits down on the top stair, really goes at it. 

ANGLE - FRANK

FIRING away.

O.S. VOICE: Hey, look, it's the President!

ANOTHER ANGLE

It's BILL CLINTON coming down the stairs with his Secret Service entourage. [This tops the lawnmower as "things that shouldn't be in a shootout."]

RESUME - FRANK

surprised to see the President.

O.S. VOICE: And the Pope!

ANGLE - HIS HOLINESS

is also coming down the stairs with his Security People. [The Pope definitely tops the President as people who would never be here.]

ANGLE - HEZBOLLAH FANATIC

his body rigged with grenades and dynamite suddenly comes out of nowhere, rushes toward the President and the Pope.

FANATIC (screaming): Yee ah! [Fanatics are the absolute worst people to have in a shootout with babies, the President and the Pope.]

ANGLE - FRANK

can't believe this is happening. He whips his gun up, shoots the Hezbollah.

RESUME - HEZBOLLAH

Clothes-lined by Frank's bullet, drops like a rock.

RESUME - FRANK

O.S. VOICE: Oh my God! Look! It's disgruntled Postal Workers!

Frank turns to see 

ANGLE - TOP OF STAIRS

It's a human wave attack of Postal Workers, all in uniform, all with automatic weapons, some with mail sacks. They start spraying the place with AUTOMATIC GUNFIRE. [This made me laugh the hardest because we expect the writers to top the fanatics with someone more traditionally physically violent, and they went the emotional route to long-suffering government workers.] 

WHAT I'VE LEARNED: When trying to top a gag, it's helpful to try unexpected, unusual ways to exaggerate the next gag in line (emotional, physical, psychological, etc.)

Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult (1994)(2nd draft, 8th revision, 8/13/93)
by Pat Proft