[Quick Summary: When Dean, a bystander to a conspiracy coverup, is framed by the NSA, he frames them in revenge.]
To me, this script reads like this for the first 20 pgs.:
National security breach - blah blah blah - backstabbing --blah blah blah - politics - blah blah blah - high government officials - blah blah blah.
I didn't care enough, so it bored me.
I didn't care enough because these weighty matters didn't seem to MATTER to these characters.
When did I sit up and care?
When the interaction became up close & personal for the characters:
ex. INT. HARRISON'S DEPARTMENT STORE - EVENING
...The SALES CLERK goes around the counter to the rear area. DEAN glances at the fashion show when he glimpses --
ZAVITZ, hurrying through the women's dressing area, desperately looking for an exit. No luck. ZAVITZ moves toward DEAN, about to break for the front, but HICKS is there searching. Trapped, ZAVITZ ducks behind a display.
DEAN watches, unaware of ZAVITZ's pursuers. Then it clicks...
DEAN: Daniel?
ZAVITZ turns, frightened....
DEAN: It's me, Robert Dean. (beat) From Seth, Silverberg. I worked on --
ZAVITZ: Bobby --
DEAN: It's been a few years.
ZAVITZ: Yeah.
DEAN: I'm just doing some Christmas shopping. It's for my wife, no kidding. Though, this isn't the main present, it's just, you know, a little --
ZAVITZ: I need help.
DEAN: Tell me about it.
ZAVITZ: How can I reach you?
DEAN (beat): Are you okay?
ZAVITZ: Are you still in Crystal City?
DEAN: Yeah, what's going on?
SALES CLERK (O.S.): I think she'll like this very much.
DEAN: Listen, Daniel, hang on one second.
SALES CLERK: For that matter, I think you will too.
DEAN (to the SALES CLERK): Could you give me just a moment to talk to a friend of mine here? Not about this, but ...Daniel?
DEAN looks around...
...ZAVITZ is gone.
WHAT I'VE LEARNED: "Threat to the nation" conspiracies are boring and a dime a dozen. Show me how it gets personal for the characters. WHY does it matter to him/her?
Enemy of the State (1998)(2/10/97 rewrite)
by David Marconi
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