**APOLOGIZES IN ADVANCE FOR THE VERY LONG EXAMPLES**
I normally don't read early drafts of scripts, but this is Alvin Sargent.*
I also made an exception here because this quote made me curious:
I was sent a script called Addie Pray which was based on a book. It wasn’t too good but there were two scenes in it that were wonderful: the cafĂ© scene and the scene on the hill with Trixie. Those two scenes were the only two scenes that remained after the rewriting. But they were so damned good that I said to myself, “Jesus, I could do something with this.” - Interview with Director Peter BogdanovichWas the original really "not too good"? What changes did the director want?
I found and read a first draft (very good, male led, sunnier, two-hander) as well as the final one (very good, female led, more vulnerable and dark, ensemble).
If I were the writer, could I deliver such big switches in vision? I don't know.
I do wonder how the director explained the switch in tone that he wanted to the writer. It's something than an average reader may sense it but not know why.
The cafe scene below was one of the two that the director kept from the original.
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1st DRAFT: The sunnier version.
ex. "ADDIE (crying): I - want - my - money!
MOZE: All right. All right.
Silence. Moze tries to think out a solution.
ADDIE (sniffling): I mean it ain't as how you was my pa. That'd be different you was my pa.
MOZE (quickly): Well I ain't you pa so get it out of your head, you understand? Just clear it out of your head.
ADDIE: I look like ya.
MOZE: You don't look anythin' like me. I don't look no more like you than I do that hotdog.
Pause. Then, suddenly:
ADDIE (bawling louder than ever): I WANT MY POOR SWEET DEAD MAMA'S MONEY. [Funny, no?]
MOZE: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, MAYBE I DO...it's possible. It ain't like but it's possible.
Silence. Addie seems satisfied. After a moment she picks up her hotdog and starts to eat it. Moze pushes his food away. The Waitress moves to them, giving Moze the cold eye.
WAITRESS (to Addie): How we doin' Angel Pie?
ADDIE (sweetly): Jus' fine.
WAITRESS: We gonna have a little dessert?
ADDIE: I dunno. I have to ask my Daddy.
She turns to Moze and smiles."
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FINAL DRAFT: The darker, more melodramatic version.
ex. "ADDIE: (louder) I want my two hundred dollars.
MOZE: Alright, alright...just hold on...(smiles at the customers) Let me explain somethin' t'you.
ADDIE: It ain't as how you was my Pa -- that'd be different. [She makes a challenging statement vs. question (1st draft).]
MOZE: Well, I ain't you pa, so get it out of your head, you understand? I don't care what those neighbor ladies said.
ADDIE: I look like ya.
MOZE: You don't look nothin' like me. You don't look no more like me than you do that Coney Island. Eat the damn thing, will you?
ADDIE: We got the same jaw. [More confrontation.]
MOZE: Lots uh people got the same jaw.
ADDIE: But it's possible, ain't it?
MOZE: No, it ain't possible.
ADDIE (louder): THEN I WANT MY TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS. [This is a demand. Moving to blackmail? Not as funny as above.]
MOZE: ALRIGHT...Maybe we got the same jaw. Same jaw don't mean the same blood! I know a woman looks like a bullfrog, but she ain't the damn thing's mother.
ADDIE: But you met my mama in a barroom. [She won't let it go.]
MOZE: For God's sake, you think ever'body gets met in a barroom gets a baby?
ADDIE: It's possible.
MOZE: Damn it, child anything's possible. But possible don't make it true.
ADDIE: Then I want my MONEY!
MOZE: Will you quiet down.
Everybody is looking now. Addie is silent.
MOZE (softly): You don't have no appreciation, that's the trouble with you. Maybe I did get some money from that man. Well, you're entitled to that. And I'm entitled to my share for gettin' it, ain't I? I mean it weren't for me where'd you be? Some orphan home, that's where. You think them folks'd spend a penny to send you east? No sir. But who got ya a ticket t'St. Joe? Who got ya a Nehi and a Coney Island? I threw in twenty dollars extra, plus eighty-five cents for the telegram. Without me, you wouldn't have any of that. I didn't have to take you at all, but I took ya, didn't I? (pause) Well, I think that's fair 'nuf. 'N we're all better off. you get to St. Joe 'n I got a better car. Fair's fair. Now drink your Nehi and eat your Coney Island.
ADDIE: I want my two hundred dollars.
MOZE: I don't even have two hundred dollars no more, and you know it!
ADDIE (slowly): If you don't give me my two hundred dollars, I'm gonna tell a policeman how ya got it -- and he'll make ya give it to me, 'cause it's mine.
MOZE (steaming): But I don't have it.
ADDIE (slowly): Then git it. [Serious. She's not kidding.]
Moze's fist hits the counter. It all but rocks the restaurant. Everyone turns again. The Waitress moves to Moze and Addie. [His anger is a dangerous edge not found in 1st draft.]
WAITRESS (to Addie, eyes on Moze): How we doin', Angel Pie? We gonna have a little dessert after we finish up our hot dog?
ADDIE: I dunno.
WAITRESS: What d'ya say, Daddy. Whyn't we get precious here a little dessert if she eats her dog?
Addie turns to Moze. He looks at her.
MOZE (slowly): Her name ain't precious."[A serious, sour note. Not light & cheery.]
WHAT I'VE LEARNED: The tone change reminded me once again that film is a collaboration.
The writer needs to be able to bend the material to satisfy the producer and others.
Also, it's wise for the writer to be aware when he/she isn't on the same page as the others (and may need to step away if there are creative differences).
Paper Moon (1973)(1st draft, 12/15/71; final draft, 9/1/72)
by Alvin Sargent
Based on the book by Joe David Brown
*We're talking Ordinary People, Julia, Paper Moon, Unfaithful = 3 Oscar nominations, 2 wins.
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