[Quick Summary: When Dean, a bystander to a conspiracy coverup, is framed by the NSA, he frames them in revenge.]
To me, this script reads like this for the first 20 pgs.:
National security breach - blah blah blah - backstabbing --blah blah blah - politics - blah blah blah - high government officials - blah blah blah.
I didn't care enough, so it bored me.
I didn't care enough because these weighty matters didn't seem to MATTER to these characters.
When did I sit up and care?
When the interaction became up close & personal for the characters:
ex. INT. HARRISON'S DEPARTMENT STORE - EVENING
...The SALES CLERK goes around the counter to the rear area. DEAN glances at the fashion show when he glimpses --
ZAVITZ, hurrying through the women's dressing area, desperately looking for an exit. No luck. ZAVITZ moves toward DEAN, about to break for the front, but HICKS is there searching. Trapped, ZAVITZ ducks behind a display.
DEAN watches, unaware of ZAVITZ's pursuers. Then it clicks...
DEAN: Daniel?
ZAVITZ turns, frightened....
DEAN: It's me, Robert Dean. (beat) From Seth, Silverberg. I worked on --
ZAVITZ: Bobby --
DEAN: It's been a few years.
ZAVITZ: Yeah.
DEAN: I'm just doing some Christmas shopping. It's for my wife, no kidding. Though, this isn't the main present, it's just, you know, a little --
ZAVITZ: I need help.
DEAN: Tell me about it.
ZAVITZ: How can I reach you?
DEAN (beat): Are you okay?
ZAVITZ: Are you still in Crystal City?
DEAN: Yeah, what's going on?
SALES CLERK (O.S.): I think she'll like this very much.
DEAN: Listen, Daniel, hang on one second.
SALES CLERK: For that matter, I think you will too.
DEAN (to the SALES CLERK): Could you give me just a moment to talk to a friend of mine here? Not about this, but ...Daniel?
DEAN looks around...
...ZAVITZ is gone.
WHAT I'VE LEARNED: "Threat to the nation" conspiracies are boring and a dime a dozen. Show me how it gets personal for the characters. WHY does it matter to him/her?
Enemy of the State (1998)(2/10/97 rewrite)
by David Marconi
Monday, May 25, 2020
Monday, May 18, 2020
TODAY'S NUGGET: Training Day (2001) - What Happens Between Characters
[Quick Summary: Jake, a rookie cop experiences his first training day under the wing of Alonzo, a jaded narcotics cop.]
I greatly appreciate that this action/cop drama/muscular script is character based.
What does that mean? That what happens between characters has meaning, whether it be a conversation or conflict, i.e., not simply guns blazing all the time.
I like that the scene below demonstrates this on a few levels:
- Alonzo is teaching Jake what daily life is like on the streets.
- Alonzo is also asserting "his way or the highway" methods on Jake and the Dealer.
- Jake struggles to comprehend and deal with Alonzo's illegal methods which violate all protocol.
- Jake admires that Alonzo is getting results, yet is repulsed by them.
- There are various power struggles (Alonzo vs. Jake, Alonzo vs. Dealer).
ex. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY (CONTINUOUS)
...Jake finishes searching.
ALONZO: No rocks?
JAKE: No rocks.
DEALER (laughing): Aw, dang. See? Ya'll ain't got hit. The man comin' up short again.
Alonzo exits the car. Glares.
ALONZO: I never come up short, fool. (to the Dealer) Open your mouth.
The Dealer does. Sensing to not play with Alonzo.
ALONZO: Lift your tongue.
He does.
DEALER: See. I ain't be gottin' shit.
ALONZO: Gimme a pen.
Jake does. Alonzo grabs the Dealer's neck. Forces the pen in his mouth. Down his throat. He gags --URGH! -- Vomits.
DEALER: Motherfucker!
Jake is stunned. Alonzo inspects the spattered sidewalk. SEES saran wrapped rocks.
ALONZO: Lookie those.
DEALER: That's corn.
ALONZO: That's Jimmy crack corn. One, two, three, four, five...six. How'd you swallow that shit without water?
DEALER: Fuckin' bullshit! Fuck you, civil rights violatin' motherfuckers.
Alonzo SLAPS him.
WHAT I'VE LEARNED: Action films are not just about what is happening, but what they mean to the characters.
Training Day (2001)(9/27/99 draft)
by David Ayer
I greatly appreciate that this action/cop drama/muscular script is character based.
What does that mean? That what happens between characters has meaning, whether it be a conversation or conflict, i.e., not simply guns blazing all the time.
I like that the scene below demonstrates this on a few levels:
- Alonzo is teaching Jake what daily life is like on the streets.
- Alonzo is also asserting "his way or the highway" methods on Jake and the Dealer.
- Jake struggles to comprehend and deal with Alonzo's illegal methods which violate all protocol.
- Jake admires that Alonzo is getting results, yet is repulsed by them.
- There are various power struggles (Alonzo vs. Jake, Alonzo vs. Dealer).
ex. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY (CONTINUOUS)
...Jake finishes searching.
ALONZO: No rocks?
JAKE: No rocks.
DEALER (laughing): Aw, dang. See? Ya'll ain't got hit. The man comin' up short again.
Alonzo exits the car. Glares.
ALONZO: I never come up short, fool. (to the Dealer) Open your mouth.
The Dealer does. Sensing to not play with Alonzo.
ALONZO: Lift your tongue.
He does.
DEALER: See. I ain't be gottin' shit.
ALONZO: Gimme a pen.
Jake does. Alonzo grabs the Dealer's neck. Forces the pen in his mouth. Down his throat. He gags --URGH! -- Vomits.
DEALER: Motherfucker!
Jake is stunned. Alonzo inspects the spattered sidewalk. SEES saran wrapped rocks.
ALONZO: Lookie those.
DEALER: That's corn.
ALONZO: That's Jimmy crack corn. One, two, three, four, five...six. How'd you swallow that shit without water?
DEALER: Fuckin' bullshit! Fuck you, civil rights violatin' motherfuckers.
Alonzo SLAPS him.
WHAT I'VE LEARNED: Action films are not just about what is happening, but what they mean to the characters.
Training Day (2001)(9/27/99 draft)
by David Ayer
Monday, May 11, 2020
TODAY'S NUGGET: To Die For (1995) - Buck Henry, Masterful Wielder of Words for Impact
[Quick Summary: Suzanne Stone will do anything to be on tv, including killing her husband.]
HOLY COW, this was a good read.
First, there is no doubt what Suzanne is all about - Suzanne on tv.
Second, she is a strong character: cold, a good manipulator, but not particularly smart. That's a dangerous combination.
Third, Buck Henry is an amazingly assured writer who knows how to wield words for the most impact.
Example #1: Here, he moves the reader quickly through a house, as the intruder did:
EXT. SUZANNE AND LARRY MARETTO'S CONDO
MOVE across the yard, up through a second floor window into the bedroom, out onto the landing and down the stairs to the front hallway, slowing to SEE a section of carpet near the front door that is a different color from the rest of the carpet, lighter, as though that section has been scrubbed clean. LOOK AT IT and BACK AWAY out the front door and TILT up at the blue sky and:
DISSOLVE THROUGH TO:
Example #2: Here, he garners some sympathy for Suzanne. Despite her odd, cold behavior, and husband Larry who enables it, no one seems to appreciate her dream.
INT. SUZANNE AND LARRY'S CONDO - LIVING ROOM
...Angela Maretto lets out a shriek and her hand goes to her mouth.
ANGELA MARETTO: Joe -- Joe --
JOE MARETTO: Are we talking about - ?
CAROL STONE: Oh honey, when did you - ?
SUZANNE: Wait wait WAIT -- CUT. CUT! It's not that!
ANGELA MARETTO: You're not --?
SUZANNE: I'm not pregnant, for god's sake.
She laughs. They all look at her. Larry puts his arm around her.
LARRY: Suzie's got a job.
EARL STONE: What?
LARRY: Over at WWEN. First woman they've ever hired. Is that right?
SUZANNE: That's right.
LARRY: Our Suzie's on her way and nothing can stop her now.
WHAT I'VE LEARNED: When words are this sharp and this well-honed, it is not just skill but countless hours of bloody work. Also, it is a 4th (not 1st) draft.
To Die For (1995)(4th draft, 10/25/93)
by Buck Henry
Adapted from the book by Joyce Maynard
HOLY COW, this was a good read.
First, there is no doubt what Suzanne is all about - Suzanne on tv.
Second, she is a strong character: cold, a good manipulator, but not particularly smart. That's a dangerous combination.
Third, Buck Henry is an amazingly assured writer who knows how to wield words for the most impact.
Example #1: Here, he moves the reader quickly through a house, as the intruder did:
EXT. SUZANNE AND LARRY MARETTO'S CONDO
MOVE across the yard, up through a second floor window into the bedroom, out onto the landing and down the stairs to the front hallway, slowing to SEE a section of carpet near the front door that is a different color from the rest of the carpet, lighter, as though that section has been scrubbed clean. LOOK AT IT and BACK AWAY out the front door and TILT up at the blue sky and:
DISSOLVE THROUGH TO:
Example #2: Here, he garners some sympathy for Suzanne. Despite her odd, cold behavior, and husband Larry who enables it, no one seems to appreciate her dream.
INT. SUZANNE AND LARRY'S CONDO - LIVING ROOM
...Angela Maretto lets out a shriek and her hand goes to her mouth.
ANGELA MARETTO: Joe -- Joe --
JOE MARETTO: Are we talking about - ?
CAROL STONE: Oh honey, when did you - ?
SUZANNE: Wait wait WAIT -- CUT. CUT! It's not that!
ANGELA MARETTO: You're not --?
SUZANNE: I'm not pregnant, for god's sake.
She laughs. They all look at her. Larry puts his arm around her.
LARRY: Suzie's got a job.
EARL STONE: What?
LARRY: Over at WWEN. First woman they've ever hired. Is that right?
SUZANNE: That's right.
LARRY: Our Suzie's on her way and nothing can stop her now.
WHAT I'VE LEARNED: When words are this sharp and this well-honed, it is not just skill but countless hours of bloody work. Also, it is a 4th (not 1st) draft.
To Die For (1995)(4th draft, 10/25/93)
by Buck Henry
Adapted from the book by Joyce Maynard
Monday, May 4, 2020
TODAY'S NUGGET: A Chorus Line (1985) - Present to Flashback, Held Together By Sound
[Quick Summary: Ex-girlfriend and dancer Cassie tries to meet with Zach, the director-choreographer, while he auditions a group of dancers.]
NOTE: I always hesitate to read first drafts for this blog, but it is the only draft available anywhere, so here goes.
Purely by chance, I've read back to back the two most famous scripts about a dancer's life on stage (A Chorus Line and All That Jazz).
THREE THOUGHTS:
1) They have a wide appeal because they are not just about dancing. Each revolves around personal, tumultuous relationship(s) that keeps us riveted.
2) All That Jazz is about one man's story. A Chorus Line manages to also feature stories from the ensemble.
3) I liked how this flashback seamlessly moved from theater--> Zach's bedroom --> theater. It's all visuals, held together by the tapping sound.
ex. MED. SHOT - ZACH'S LIGHT
He is turning it on and off, rhythmically, nervously, thinking. Then he turns off the lamp and leaves it off. In the dim, available light, we see his hand nervously tapping a pen on the desk.
Shooting over Zach's shoulder, his back remains constant, but now we are in his bedroom. It is dark. On the early dawn light coming through the window. Cassie is asleep in the bed. Zach, an insomniac, is watching her. After a beat, Cassie rolls over and falls off the bed to the floor. Waking up, startled, she looks around, then seeing Zach, starts to laugh.
(During above the only SOUND we hear is the pen tapping on the desk.)
BACK TO ZACH IN THE THEATER
He is still tapping the pen. Thinking.
WHAT I'VE LEARNED: I never really thought before about sound holding together the visuals until I read this scene.
A Chorus Line (1985)(1st draft, 11/17/82)
by Arnold Schulman
Adapted from the 1975 stage musical
NOTE: I always hesitate to read first drafts for this blog, but it is the only draft available anywhere, so here goes.
Purely by chance, I've read back to back the two most famous scripts about a dancer's life on stage (A Chorus Line and All That Jazz).
THREE THOUGHTS:
1) They have a wide appeal because they are not just about dancing. Each revolves around personal, tumultuous relationship(s) that keeps us riveted.
2) All That Jazz is about one man's story. A Chorus Line manages to also feature stories from the ensemble.
3) I liked how this flashback seamlessly moved from theater--> Zach's bedroom --> theater. It's all visuals, held together by the tapping sound.
ex. MED. SHOT - ZACH'S LIGHT
He is turning it on and off, rhythmically, nervously, thinking. Then he turns off the lamp and leaves it off. In the dim, available light, we see his hand nervously tapping a pen on the desk.
Shooting over Zach's shoulder, his back remains constant, but now we are in his bedroom. It is dark. On the early dawn light coming through the window. Cassie is asleep in the bed. Zach, an insomniac, is watching her. After a beat, Cassie rolls over and falls off the bed to the floor. Waking up, startled, she looks around, then seeing Zach, starts to laugh.
(During above the only SOUND we hear is the pen tapping on the desk.)
BACK TO ZACH IN THE THEATER
He is still tapping the pen. Thinking.
WHAT I'VE LEARNED: I never really thought before about sound holding together the visuals until I read this scene.
A Chorus Line (1985)(1st draft, 11/17/82)
by Arnold Schulman
Adapted from the 1975 stage musical
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