TODAY'S NUGGET: Keeper of the Flame (1942) - When Crafting a "Perfect" Line of Dialogue

[Quick Summary: After a popular national hero dies in a bridge accident, a journalist seeks to separate fact from fiction, but falls for the man's widow.]

Donald Ogden Stewart (screenwriter, novelist, playwright) was a studio writer who adapted six scripts featuring Hepburn, Tracy, or both.* 

I have liked the delicate balance of his scripts.  He was always driving to a point without being too obvious, or on-the-nose.

So when I saw that he included an alternative line of dialogue for a pivotal scene here, I wondered, "Was he worried about being too on the nose?"

I can see him trying to hit a certain tone with that line (and its alternative).

In the scene below:
- It is the first meeting of journalist Steve O'Malley and widow Mrs. Forrest.
- He has managed to get around security and up to the house. 
- This is about "do I trust you?" Mrs. Forrest is particularly hiding secrets.
- I've bolded the line and its alternative below.  Both are good, but feel just shy of the mark.

INTERIOR - FRONT HALL - FORREST HOME

...

STEVE: I had visioned ---I'm very sorry to do this to you, Mrs. Forrest. I had hoped perhaps just to leave a note. A friend of Mr. Forrest's told me you might be glad to see me. (as Christine looks at him inquiringly) The gatekeeper's boy.
CHRISTINE: Poor little Jeb --
STEVE (sympathetically): He thinks he killed his hero --

Christine give him a sharp look.

STEVE (continuing): --because he didn't warn him about the bridge.
CHRISTINE (in a curious, dry-mouthed tone): Really? (after a moment) Boys loved Mr. Forrest. I've had letters. Sweet letters. Heart-breaking letters. He was the light of their eyes. (her voice dulls) It seems that the light has gone out.
STEVE: No. (she looks at him) It burns brighter than ever. It must burn always. We must see to that.
CHRISTINE (a little coldly): We?
STEVE: Yes. We. Everybody who was guided by that light, who drew warmth from that flame. You can protect the flame.
CHRISTINE: I tried to.
STEVE: Let us help you. You aren't alone. That's what I came to tell you.
CHRISTINE: I tried. (she looks at Steve for a moment) I had wondered if you spoke as you wrote.
STEVE: I speak as I feel -- and I feel deeply about this.
CHRISTINE: What do you want from me?
STEVE: The life of Robert Forrest.
CHRISTINE (almost bitterly): I can't give it to you -- it's been taken away.
STEVE: You can tell it to me.
CHRISTINE (coldly): The facts of his life are there for anyone to read.
STEVE: I want you to read them to me. I want the truth. [This is better than the tired, old "I want you to tell me the truth." But it's still a little boring.]

The following is an alternative line for the above:

STEVE: Will you read them to me? [This is also a smart way of saying the same thing, but is it witty enough?]
CHRISTINE (resentfully): What would you like -- the size of his underwear, the color of the hair on his chest, the sound of his laugh, the touch of his hand --? (her voice rises emotionally)
STEVE: I'm sorry. I'll go now. But perhaps tomorrow --
CHRISTINE: I don't understand you, Mr. O'Malley. Why should I tell you anything? I've seen you five minutes. I don't know you, anything about you. I wish you would go.
STEVE: I've seen you five minutes -- and I feel that I know you very well.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED: When you're are trying, trying, trying to craft that impossible perfect line, cut yourself some slack. 

Give it your best - it's "close to this" - and move on.

Keeper of the Flame (1942)(7/7/42 draft w/revisions)
by Donald Ogden Stewart
Based on the novel by I.A.R. Wylie

* He wrote four scripts starring Hepburn: Holiday (1938), The Philadelphia Story (1940), Keeper of the Flame (1942), Without Love (1945).

He wrote four scripts starring Tracy:  Keeper of the Flame (1942), Without Love (1945), Cass Timberlane (1947), Edward, My Son (1949).

TODAY'S NUGGET: Hitchcock's The Lost Night (Unproduced) - Clash of Writer vs. Director's Vision; Double Use of Prop for Suspense

[Quick Summary: After his brother's murderer escapes from prison, an insurance salesman goes undercover in Finland to find the man via his wife and kids, but ends up falling in love.]

Though I don't typically read unproduced scripts, this one (well, two) got me thinking about how a writer may/may not be able to work with a director's vision.

The 1978 draft.  I went in cold to this unsigned draft, not realizing it was likely written by Ernest Lehman (6 time Oscar nominee; North by Northwest). 

There are some holes, but it's got Lehman's elegance to it.

The 1980 rewrite draft. Then I read this still-in-progress draft by David Freeman and Hitchcock in the last six months of the latter's life.* 

I liked many of the Hitchcock touches, especially fleshing out of shots.  I did not like that it lost some of Lehman's elegance throughout. 

Working with a Director.  After reading these two scripts (and Freeman's experience coming into the process), I'm now seeing how visions did not gel.

Lehman wrote a good script, but Hitchcock did not like it. I wonder now - was Hitchcock after something else? Maybe pushing, fumbling for something new?**

Opening scene. Lehman's opening is elegant, but conventional: The protagonist looks out of an office window.  He sees a  news crawl about the escaped convict.

Freeman/Hitchcock's opening has a very different tone: more attention grabbing, both ridiculous and suspense filled.  

It starts at the prison with the accomplice, Brennan, who is trying to throw a rope ladder to the antagonist, Brand:

EXT. LONDON - ARTILLERY ROAD - 6:45 PM

A drizzly London evening in the fall.

Wormwood Scrubs Prison and Hammersmith Hospital sit side by side. Artillery Road, hardly more than a service lane runs between them.

...Brennan has the boot open, about to remove a rope ladder.

BRAND (V.O.): God damn it, what are you doing there? It's all going to be over...It's too late...

Headlights illuminate the boot as Brennan is removing the ladder. He drops it quickly and turns to see an old Morris approaching.

He closes the boot and reaches into the mums, turning off the walkie-talkie, silencing Brand's voice.

The Morris stops adjacent to Brennan. An Elderly Couple are in the car. The woman leans across her husband and speaks to Brennan.

ELDERLY WOMAN: Excuse me young man, we're looking for the hospital.
ELDERLY MAN: Hammersmith Hospital. It's on Du Cane --
BRENNAN: Yes...Yes. This is it. Straight on and turn  to the left. Visitors' entrance is to the left.
ELDERLY MAN (to his wife): What did he say?
ELDERLY WOMAN (loudly): He said it's to the left for the visitors' entrance.

OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL

BRAND: What's wrong? What is it? Answer me damn you, answer. What is it?

ARTILLERY ROAD

ELDERLY MAN: Where should we park?
ELDERLY WOMAN: My husband wants to know...
BRENNAN: On the street. Park on the street. You just go up and turn to the left. Hurry or you'll miss visiting hours. They're very strict.
ELDERLY WOMAN (re Brennan's flowers): Mums?
BRENNAN: Yes. Hurry along now.
ELDERLY WOMAN (holds up bouquet): Me too. For our daughter-in-law. Her liver's shot to hell.
BRENNAN: Lovely. Hurry along.
ELDERLY WOMAN: Thank you. (loudly to her husband) It's to the left. We park on the street.

The Morris pulls away, slowly.

Brennan opens the boot again, grabs the rope ladder and flips on the walkie-talkie. When it clicks on, a torrent of abuse comes out.

BRAND (V.O.)(midsentence; almost in tears): ...not going back. Where the bloody hell are you? I can see the first of them coming back. You've bollixed it. You bloody Irish ass. I'm not going back. I'm not. I'm not going back.
BRENNAN: We're there. We're there.

He drops the mums on the ground, and tries to find a spot to throw from. He steps back into the road, then moves forward again and climbs up onto the back of his car.

The mums are on the ground with Brand's pleas coming out.

BRAND (V.O.): You drunken ass. You bloody Irish fool. You've killed me. You've done it. It's on your head.

Brennan winds up and tosses the ladder, hard and high.

PRISON SIDE OF WALL

As the ladder comes floating over the wall.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED: I do wish the two drafts could've been married closer, as both have strengths missing in the other (elegance, creative play).

Also, I do admire the double use of the mums in Hitchcock's opening as 1) walkie-talkie camouflage, and 2) focal point to increase suspense.

The Short Night (11/9/78, revised)
by Ernest Lehman (I think)
Based on the novel, "The Short Night," by Ronald Kirkbride

The Short Night (1980, revised) - unproduced script published in 1984
by David Freeman

*I highly recommend reading Freeman's book, which has several fascinating chapters about his daily routine working with Hitchcock in these last six months.

At this point in time (1979-80), Hitchcock was not in the best of health, and would pass soon.  His last (and 53rd) film, Family Plot (1976), had come out three years earlier, and not to rave reviews. It was written by Lehman.

** In his review of Family Plot, Roger Ebert notes: "...it's a delight for two contradictory reasons: because it's pure Hitchcock, with its meticulous construction and attention to detail, and because it's something new for Hitchcock -- a macabre comedy, essentially." (my emphasis)

TODAY'S NUGGET: Goldeneye (1995) - Improving a Villain from Early to Later Drafts (Betrayal)

[Quick Summary: After Russians have stolen plans for the Goldeneye weapons program, Bond must stop them.]

Generally, I don't tend to read early drafts unless:
1) There are no other drafts available; and/or
2) I'm particularly interested in how the writer(s) solved problems. 

Today's script meet both of these criteria.  It was written by Michael France, who eventually received "story by" credit on the final film. 

BEST THING OF THIS EARLY DRAFT: It lays out the dynamic between Bond and an antagonist Trevelyan, who defected to Russia. Not much motive, stakes.

BEST THING THAT LATER DRAFTS DID: The writers upped Trevelyan from mere 'defector' to 006 and added a betrayal which increased motive and stakes.  

Now Trevelyan is agent 006 --> he and Bond team up for a botched mission --> Bond thinks 006 is dead --> 006 survives, works for Russia, comes after Bond.

You can see how a baseline antagonism in the scene below (early draft) would be heightened by the addition of a personal betrayal (later draft): 

EXT. AN OUTER PART OF THE PALACE - BOND

...BOND

walks toward Trevelyan, regaining his aplomb as he does. Two things are crystal clear. One is that bond want to kill this man very much. The other is that it's taking all his self-discipline to avoid attempting it here.

Trevelyan, on the other hand, wears the smirking armor of a man who feels he's already decisively vanquished his opponent.

BOND: Augustus Trevelyan --

TREVELYAN (indicates reception): I'll miss this particular struggle -- won't you, James? As Frederick the Great once said -- "Diplomacy without armaments is like music without instruments." (points to Kremlin wall) Now that it's over, I can tell you -- part of my charade is that I'm buried right over there -- three plots down from Khrushchev. Seems childish now. (offers his hand) You are surprised to find me still alive, I suppose?

BOND: More than that -- I'm delighted. (doesn't take hand) It's always been a great disappointment to me that I wasn't able to kill you personally.

Trevelyan laughs genuinely, as is this were a bon mot instead of the very real threat it is. He withdraws his hand.

TREVELYAN: Don't be ridiculous, Bond. It was a schoolboy's game that we played a long time ago. Two empires, battling to change the world. The battle is over -- (gestures around) -- and it seems to me that the world has not changed so much for it. Now, men like  you and I look for new games. That is all.

BOND (with quiet contempt): Is that how you live with betrayal and murder, Trevelyan? By calling it a game?

New Trevelyan seems genuinely disappointed in Bond.

TREVELYAN: That question is beneath both of us, James. I might as well ask yo if the vodka martinis ever completely still the voices of all the men you've killed. (still conversational) OR if you ever find forgiveness, in the arms of all those women, for the one that you failed to protect (dismissing him) My conscience is clean, James. Yours, I think, is rather crowded.

Bond's fury is silent -- controlled -- but unmistakable -- 

BOND: Certainly there's room for one more --

TREVELYAN (ice): Please, James, no embarrassing bravado, no vows to kill me -- you had your opportunity some time ago. (starting a certainty) You won't get another.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED: I liked how the writers turned the Trevelyan character from a mere villain to one who has real personal issues with Bond. 

He was one of many (early draft) and became a stand out (later drafts).

Goldeneye (1995)(1st draft, 1/94)
by Michael France

TODAY'S NUGGET: Licence to Kill (1988) - When a "Romantic" Scene Lacks Believeability

[Quick Summary: When a drug lord kills the bride and maims the groom (Leiter), groomsman Bond goes on an unsanctioned hunt for the villain.]

Pam, a CIA contract pilot and one of Leiter's informants, was to meet him at a bar. After Leiter is wounded, Bond decides to meet with her instead.   

There's a shootout at the bar with drug lord's henchmen. Pam and Bond escape onto a cigarette boat (scene below).

So what is this scene about? A business deal.  Even grudging admiration.

But ROMANCE? PASSION? Any HEAT whatsoever? Certainly not enough to justify twinkle in eye --> kiss --> kiss --> "presses her passionately" at the end.

There's no baiting of the hook, and tug of the line.  Where's the fun if it's all one sided, no back-and-forth? How can I buy the romance if there's no chemistry?

INT. CIGARETTE COCKPIT  PAM AND BOND

at the controls, working them  he looks at dials.

INSERT GAS GAUGES

indicate empty.

BOND

He looks toward the shore, still irate.

BOND: They must have hit a fuel line.

PAM steps up next to him.

PAM: Out of gas? I haven't heard that one in a long time.
BOND (calming down): Take us a couple of hours to drift in. Look, I'm going to need your help. I want a complete rundown on Sanchez' operation...and a private charter to Isthmus City. No one must know I've left.

She looks at him steadily.

PAM: What do you want to go there for?
BOND: I'll pay you very well.
PAM: You're going after Sanchez, aren't you?
BOND: Will you help me?
PAM: How many men you got?
BOND: Just you and me.
PAM (a disbelieving laugh): You crazy? Sanchez has a whole army protecting him down there.
BOND: Then just drop me there and leave. Fifty thousand.

She steps between Bond and the dashboard of the boat. The wind blows her hair. She looks up at him, a twinkle in her eye.

PAM (ticking off on her fingers): It's not that easy. A false flight plan. I'll have to pay-off people at Isthmus City Airport...A job like that is going to cost at least a Hundred.
BOND: Alright. Sixty.
PAM: Ninety.
BOND: Seventy.
PAM: Eighty.
BOND: Seventy-five.
PAM: You pay the fuel?
BOND: We use your plane.
PAM: Deal.

She reaches up and kisses him fully on the lips to seal the bargain. They part.

BOND: Why don't you want 'til you're asked?
PAM: Why don't you ask me.

She kisses him again. He presses her passionately back against the wheel.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED: In fly fishing circles, there's a saying, "The tug is the drug."  

In this scene, the fisherman doesn't even have to cast a line out. Fish are throwing themselves into the boat. This is NOT romantic.

Licence to Kill (1988)(final draft)
by Michael G. Wilson and Richard Maibaum